How to Figure out What You Want in a Relationship, According to Experts

How to Figure out What You Want in a Relationship, According to Experts

What is it that you truly want in a relationship? It is a question that has no easy answers, but you should at least give it some thought. If you don't know, you could end up in a relationship that you don't want.

Using Hair Bands to Straighten Your Hair Experts offer advice on how to figure out what you want in a relationship.

1. It starts with a clear understanding of who you are.

What qualities do you seek in a partner? The majority of individuals are unaware. They're looking for someone pleasant. With such ambiguity, the same person would not buy a car, a new wardrobe, or ahead of lettuce.
I've seen a lot of men and women pick dates with less thought than they would put into picking a turkey for Thanksgiving dinner. At the very least, you'll know you're having a turkey for supper!
A person you like may turn out to be ineligible because he or she is not verbal enough, too verbal, too assertive, too passive, uncooperative, addicted to a substance or habit, dishonest, unreliable, uncaring, demanding, not intelligent enough, or any number of other personal quirks or traits you can't live with.
Many of these characteristics can be found in normal ranges yet are nonetheless objectionable to you. Smoking, eating habits, money, sleeping patterns, religious differences, pets, children, friends, holiday and family traditions, house cleaning, and time schedules are some of the issues that couples fight about.
Knowing who you are and how to find the right fit for a date starts with knowing who you are. You need more than a cookie-cutter idea of who you want to date as a distinct individual.
Are you outgoing or reserved?
Do you like to be physically active or more sedentary?
What level of sex do you desire?
How close do you want to be, and how much room do you need?
Are you a people person or a loner?
These characteristics show you where to meet individuals and which ones to pay attention to.
Take a mental step back and examine yourself as objectively as possible. Consider what you do on a regular day in your life: morning and evening rituals, meals, work, leisure, and your overall lifestyle.
The importance of mornings in a relationship cannot be overstated. First thing in the morning, most of us are more natural and less rational.
In your morning ritual, you reveal your personality, which is crucial information for both you and your possible mate.
Couples who start their days off together have a better probability of staying together throughout the day.
The quality of your work, as well as how much you like it, reveals a lot about your preferences, strengths, and shortcomings. If you have a people-oriented profession, for example, you may be highly extroverted and want a large number of people in your personal life. If public contact is stressful for you, you may prefer to spend a lot of time alone when you're not working.
Your relationship will be directly affected by your stress level, travel schedule, work brought home, and other aspects. You've also picked up several skills at work that you may use in your relationships, such as how to speak as an equal and how to solve difficulties collaboratively. What is the significance of your work? If it is more essential to you than your relationship, or if it takes precedence regularly, you must acknowledge it. Your job is likely the most important thing in your life. If you only have personal time when your job allows it, you'll need a different spouse than if you prioritize your home life. Knowing this ahead of time will help you save a lot of frustration and disappointment.
Evenings and weekends are traditionally thought of as "couple time." Examine your existing weekend and nighttime activities to determine which ones you'd like to do with a companion.
You are in a relationship.
  • What are your plans for your relationship? It should be something that makes you joyful right now.
  • Examine your romantic ideas to evaluate if they are compatible with your lifestyle.
  • If you spend a lot of time alone at home, fantasizing about being with someone who is the center of a social circle may be impractical.
  • Examining your past and comparing it to your future desires is a smart place to start to get an accurate image of what would work for you in a relationship.
Kelly Bos, MSW, RSW,
Here are some methods for figuring out what you're looking for: 2.

2. Pay attention to what others are saying.

If you're not sure where to start, there are many resources available. Friends and family members frequently want the best for us and may provide some useful information about what they think would be a good relationship for us. Take the time to seek counsel from those whom you regard as wise and who are most familiar with you. 3.

3. Pay attention to warning signs.

What we desire might sometimes be influenced by what we don't want. Make sure you pay attention to your gut and don't overlook warning indications that this isn't going to work.

4. Set aside time for yourself.

If you've just broken up with someone or are still grieving from a previous relationship, make sure you take some time to grieve and care for yourself. Taking some time for yourself will make you feel stronger and better equipped to consider what you want in a partner from your healthiest side.
Kevon Owen, M.S., LPC,
Clinical Psychotherapist, Counselor 5.

5. Consider what matters most in your life.

Because your values have such a large impact on the direction you're headed in life, this thought will be beneficial. If it's family, you might be looking for someone who is more grounded in the world while you're in your relationship. Whether it's an adventure, faith, or a career, all of these factors play a big role in what you want in a relationship. 

6. Examine your romantic fantasy.

Many people have fantasized about what they want their romantic future to be. Activities, excursions, home locations, and relationship types will all aid you in achieving your preconceived ideas of what a relationship should be. Begin your search for what you want in a relationship by assisting yourself in meeting your goals.
Monica White, MS, LMHC,
Licensed Mental Health Counselor|Founder, Wellbe To Go

7. Identify the values you must have and look for someone who embodies those ideals.

I prefer to keep things simple. You won't be able to "have it all," but you will be able to be realistic and focused on your true core principles that will stand the test of time.
Choose three top values that you must possess, and concentrate your efforts on finding companions who share those values. This may imply that you forego certain less significant attributes, such as appearance, career, or intelligence. Consider the following scenario:
  • If I determine that stability, freedom, and service are important to me, I will seek a partner with a solid career, who is self-sufficient, and who gives back to the world.
  • If I value popularity, success, and riches, I will choose someone who possesses those qualities—someone who has a social media presence, enjoys attending social events, and has a trust fund—and I may have to sacrifice family for those top three qualities.
  • If I value variety, adventure, and comedy, I'll choose someone who possesses such qualities—perhaps someone who enjoys surfing and hiking and is willing to forego a lucrative career.
  • If I place high importance on my family, friends, and morality, I may forego travel or adventure.
  • If I value beauty, nature, and relaxation, I will seek out someone who is also relaxed and attractive but who is neither financially successful nor career-oriented.
Mary Joye, LMHC, Licensed
Mental Health Counselor

8. Make a list of your "perfect match."

A very basic exercise that points to an extremely complicated and thorough knowledge of what you desire in a mate is a quick approach to figuring out what you want in a mate. Make a list labeled "Ideal Mate" with ten (10) bullet points. Do it without giving it much thought. It could be a combination of deep interior and exterior features. Because no one but you will read it, you can be completely honest. It's fine to declare that I'm looking for someone who can read Shakespeare and has a flat stomach. 
It's also fine to express your dissatisfaction. For decision-making in counseling, "rule-outs" are just as crucial as "rule-ins." Put "honesty," "trustworthy," or "has integrity" on your list if you want someone who isn't a liar. After that, follow these three steps. After you've finished writing your ideal mate list, read it slowly and methodically aloud. 
Consider who you know who is the most like this.
Make a list and ask that question before moving on to the next phase. If you don't know the solution, you'll find it in the second stage.
This individual is frequently a reincarnation of your ideal self.
It should bring back memories of you! This is a crucial key to unlocking your connections. You now have proof that you have to like and adore yourself for this list to exist. It isn't arrogant. It's all about self-assurance. Confidence is a state of completeness. Wholeness is bliss, and it will not tolerate anything less than the best or toxic individuals. There is a modified version available.
There is a modified 80/20% dynamic to this list.
Nobody is identical to anyone else. Individual differences amongst the people you meet who are most like you will be around 20%. That's OK. It's good for you. If one of the items on your list is the most essential to you, that is unhealthy. For example, as previously indicated, everything else can be in place if someone is dishonest, but this is a non-negotiable element. Make a big asterisk or star next to the items that are most important to you. Leave the items that aren't negotiable on the table. It's fine if you're looking for someone who likes athletics, but instead, you discover someone who enjoys theatre. That's acceptable. It is not acceptable for someone to be dishonest. 
You'll know what relationships are the healthiest and happiest when you see and hear from your voice and choices that you like yourself. Healthy relationships are created when you are self-actualized and conscious of who you are or who you aspire to be as your ideal self. You will be drawn to and attract those who will bring reciprocity and enjoyment to their relationships. 
Pamela Evans
Relationship Strategist

9: First, visualize the life you want to live.

Individuals frequently establish relationships out of a need for emotional or financial security, or sometimes both. Moreover, societal and familial influences can have an impact on their desire to "couple."As a result, it's not uncommon for romance seekers to load their relationship gut instincts and a dash of luck into their backpacks and set out on what they hope will be a fast trip to discover their "perfect" significant other.
Because gut feelings only work when the intellect and heart are in sync and luck isn't a plan, I advocate taking the following steps to figure out what you want in a relationship:

Step 1: Make time to complete your homework.

Do your homework and visualize the life you want to live before looking for a mate who shares your values. A partner who shares your goals can work with you to develop a realistic action plan that addresses both sides' needs and wants. 

Step 2: Understand and respect your values.

For example, if you value your independence, you'll want to find someone who understands this need and is ready to offer you the room and time to be yourself. Also, if you value trust, you'll want to partner with someone who has a track record of being trustworthy and who can assure you that they will do everything possible to help you create a good relationship.

Step 3: Determine your comfort zone.

Recognize your emotional and physical intimacy requirements, as well as what it takes to meet them.
That self-awareness and understanding will make it simpler to find a partner who wants to help you develop healthy intimate skills, such as sharing open, honest conversation, displaying affection, and engaging in vigorous sexual activity.

Step 4: Maintain bilateral flexibility.

Rigidity and control have no place in a healthy relationship, so choosing a partner who is flexible in their thought processes and behaviors might help to alleviate some of the tension that can occur. Of course, since this is a two-way street, you must act in the same manner.

Step 5: Choose a teammate

Even if you are enjoying your happiest life, you may face issues from time to time. "That two heads are better than one approach" will give you the help you need in identifying essential solutions if you have a partner with whom you can collaborate.
Romana Stokely,
Certified Dating and Relationship Coach,

10. Consider how you'd like to feel in your relationship.

Many women have been taught that putting one's own needs first is selfish. They feel that to be a good wife or mother, you must first look after yourself. They believe that their goals and needs are unimportant. They learned to tune into other people's needs over time and became distant from their own. If your significant other is sick or in need of temporary assistance, it's fine to prioritize him. However, if you do it for a long time, you will
You've lost touch with your desires.
You'll instill in your significant other the belief that his needs and desires come first.
How can you spot a woman who has lost touch with her desires? When you ask her what she wants out of her relationship, she frequently responds, "I don't know." 'I want to see my significant other happy.' She has no idea what she wants, and she has no idea how to ask for it. Her finest response might be something along the lines of, "I suppose I want." "
Do you think or do you know?" I'd question her as a relationship coach.
  • Get in touch with your physical self. Women who don't know what they want are emotionally and physically distant. "How do I feel in this relationship right now?" you might wonder. "How would I like to feel?" (The emphasis here is on emotion.) Do you desire to be liked, valued, respected, fostered, and so on?
  • Emotions and feelings serve as your life's GPS. They'll always let you know what you want and don't want.
  • Pay attention to the sensations in your body. Let's imagine you said you don't feel appreciated in your relationship in response to the first question. What part of your body do you think you're feeling that in? Do you have something on your chest? Stock? Is it a squeezing sensation? Is it a tense sensation? Then ask yourself how you want to feel in your relationship, and pay attention to the quality and location of that sensation once more. Is it a feeling of expansion? Do you have a warm feeling in your chest? 
  • You now have a clear idea of how you want to feel in your relationship. The next stage is to write down what triggers those emotions. Do you want your partner to compliment you more frequently? Do you require additional assistance with home tasks? Do you think you could use a little extra love? Do you want to spend more time with your partner?
  • request for it. You won't get it unless you ask for it. Remember that if you are aware of your desires and express them clearly, you are teaching your partner to give you what you want. You train people not to give you what you want if you don't ask for it.
Lesli Doares-Couples
Consultant & Coach
The appropriate individual is the key to a good relationship. Many people base their relationships on physical appeal, which is vital, but it may be deceiving if other criteria are overlooked. A person must be a good match for your personality and lifestyle for a relationship to work. There are a few ways to figure out what that would entail: Go over all of your previous relationships and write down what you liked and didn't enjoy about each one. You'll most likely notice a pattern emerging, which will help you evaluate potential relationships. 

11. Make a list of adjectives that characterize who you are and what makes you happy.

It will be easier to define the attributes you desire in a relationship once you know who you are and what you enjoy doing. Go over the list and pick which qualities you want in a partner—honesty, a sense of humor, ambition, and so on. Examine the relationships in your immediate environment, beginning with your parents. What you are exposed to shapes your expectations. Identify the aspects of those relationships that you enjoy and dislike. Be mindful that your behavior is likely to mirror that of your parents. Decide whether or not you want to keep going in that direction.
Olyvia DuSold-Life Coach

12. Begin by becoming acquainted with yourself and your surroundings. 

  • First and foremost, keep in mind the following:

    People will evolve and grow with time, sometimes in the ways you want them to, and sometimes not so much.
    You owe no one any more time, no matter how long you've been in a relationship with them.
While it's tempting to go for attractive people or people who are better off financially when we're looking for a mate, what matters most is whether that person makes you feel good about yourself, safe to grow in a loving environment, and someone who isn't going to jump off the boat when the waters get rough. Dating yourself is one of the best ways to figure out who you want to be. To comprehend what you want in a relationship, you must first gain a greater understanding of yourself, not only the person you are now but also who you want to be. What better way to accomplish this than by dating yourself?
Figure out what you enjoy doing and ask yourself tough questions like, "What type of role do I want to play in my family; what are things that I enjoy doing; what are ways that I want to impact the world; what are things that I know I am lacking now; where do you want to be in 1 year, 5 years, 10 years?"
Get to know yourself and your surroundings. Start taking better care of your body, cutting ties with scumbags, and lavish love on all the areas of your life you've been ignoring. 
Why is this the most effective method for determining what you want in a relationship? Because if you take care of yourself, if you get through all of the personal trauma you've accumulated over the years, if you start to love your own company and the company of all the people you've still allowed to take up space in your life, you won't tolerate someone else messing it up for you.
You'll be more aware of red flags and pay greater attention to them as they appear. You'll learn from specific friends and attitudes about how you want to be talked to and treated, and how you don't want to be talked to and handled.
And you'll know when someone is exactly what you want and need because they only serve to raise, challenge, and encourage you in loving ways that make you think, "Oh, shoot, yes!" This is what I've been lacking. This is what I require, and this person will assist me in reaching my goals by paving the way with love and support.
Here's the thing: when you're at your best, you're a tempting proposition for everyone. When you're at your worst, however, you want someone who will work with you to help you improve.
Sarah Curnoles-Life Coach

13. Date people with goals that are similar to yours.

Any road will get you there if you don't know where you're going. Most people have experienced the disappointment and dissatisfaction of traveling down the road of relationships just to be disillusioned and unhappy at the end. Based on my experience with clients, we're utilizing the wrong criterion to date. To begin with, figure out what you want to get out of dating. What is your long-term aim, if you look as far as you possibly can into the future? For some, marriage and children are the answer. Others are simply looking for a sex companion. Only date people who have goals that are similar to your own. You'll nearly never be able to influence another person's relationship goals, so save yourself the trouble.
Second, make a list of your deal-breakers. A romantic relationship is automatically terminated when one of these occurs. Most of the time, we can figure out what ended our previous relationships by looking back. Most people recognized these issues from the outset but chose to ignore them, resulting in the relationship's demise. Marriage, children, financial values, smoking, drinking, drug habits, and religion are all potential dealbreakers.
Finally, draw on your past annoyances to emphasize what you don't want. "What do I never want to happen again?" you might wonder. Take a glance at the opposing side of each item on this list. This will assist you in determining what you truly desire in a relationship. Every dating experience is an opportunity for you to practice and define what you truly desire. Even if it doesn't turn out perfectly, you can always learn something new for the next time. This is a process in which you are not alone. Many people find dating and relationships to be a source of frustration. With a few minor tweaks, the process can become more enjoyable and productive.
Fiona Eckersley,
Confidence Coach, Divorce Recovery Expert, Author, From Fearful to Fabulous Unlock Your Power, Move on, and Thrive after a Midlife Divorce.

14. Consider your long-term objectives.

When deciding on the type of new relationship you want, consider your long-term objectives. Do you want to make significant changes in your professional or personal life? Do you find yourself amidst a change? If any of these statements are true, you may not be in a suitable position to start a committed relationship. There are far too many variables that could lead to problems. For the time being, perhaps you're seeking a fun dating arrangement rather than a long-term relationship.
Why you want a relationship now is an important topic to consider. If you expect a new man to come in and save the day in a financial scenario or to help you deal with all the difficulties in life that you don't want to deal with, you're setting yourself up for a one-sided, domineering relationship that will put you in an uncomfortable situation. Make sure you're not rushing into something new following a breakup as a way to get outside affirmation of who you are. Again, this rarely leads to a long-term or ultimately happy relationship. Who
is the most important aspect once you've decided why and when you desire a relationship? This is the moment to reflect on the lessons you've learned from previous relationships.
Why did it come to an end?
What was it about that connection that made you happy?
What made you feel uneasy?
Then you can sit down and compose a list of the crucial attributes you believe the person you'll be spending a lot of time with possesses. Integrity, loyalty, and a feeling of spontaneity are just a few examples.
After that, write down what you perceive to be a deal-breaker for you. Someone who, for example, ignores your viewpoints. Use these lists to figure out where you've let your guard down in the past. What I mean is, where were you making excuses for your partner's behavior that you didn't like? Make sure you stick to the answers now that you have them. 
After you've given these lists a lot of thought, you should have a good idea of what you want in a relationship—and you'll be ready to find one that doesn't compromise your beliefs or self-esteem.
Success Life Coach | Yoga Teacher | Educator Jacqueline Chan

15. Begin by focusing on your relationship's requirements and desires.

Maybe I'm a late bloomer, but I didn't realize what I wanted in a relationship until I was staring at my husband and thought, "This is not the connection I want."Admitting that what I thought I wanted was something I didn't want was extremely difficult. The reality is that we usually know what we don't want, so how can we figure out what we do want?
I realized I deserved better than what I was getting after our marriage failed and another relationship ended, but I had no idea what I wanted. I decided that it was time to focus on my most important connection and stop dating for a while. I began to concentrate on myself, my desires, and my requirements. Within months, I had grown so strong, empowered, and full of life that I was much more clear about what I wanted when I began to open the door to partnerships. My stock value increased, so my friends did as well.
I didn't have time to fix everybody, but I recognized what was most important to me to keep growing. He wasn't worth my time if he couldn't manage it.
Nance L. SchickLawyer & Mediator

16. Be unashamedly yourself.

After decades of choosing mismatched mates for several reasons, I've been in a mutually loving and supportive relationship for the past six and a half years (e.g., because I thought I should, because I was lonely because I wanted validation or an escape from my life as it was then). Even after counseling and various self-help adventures, I eventually came to see that the dysfunctional relationship patterns in my family of origin were still substantially impacting my dating relationships with the guidance of several books and the Curriculum for Living at Landmark Worldwide.
  • My thankfulness journal is updated every day. I can detect patterns pointing to my values by writing 10 things for which I am grateful each day. I had better dates and eased into my present relationship when I started looking for partners that shared my ideals.
  • My to-do list for the day. Similarly, I was able to identify where I spent my time organically when I started tracking my time with an app. This also allowed me to better understand who I am and what is most important to me. I stopped making excuses and went out in search of someone who would accept them.
  • My strong feelings I started looking into my strong emotional reactions to questions like "Do you think you'll ever get married?" and "Don't you want kids?" High emotions indicate a strong attachment or worry. I was able to look more objectively at these relatively harmless questions (even when they were meant to hurt me) and find answers that matched who I was at any given moment as I allowed myself to feel what I felt.
    In other words, when I became "unapologetically me," I was able to locate a partner with whom I didn't have to apologize (generally). 

Harley Gibbons

The cat declares, "For as long as it lasts." She swallowed a portion of one of the conversations as a result of this. Alice was jolted awake by a powerful tremor.